Miracle cure to losing weight. I've found what you've wanted/needed all along. (And the winner of my Nuts!)

Hello, all! I use the term "all" VERY VERY loosely here to be sure and encompass all 2 of you readers and any possible visitors.

Have I got a Jim Dandy of a treat for you! I've found the ULTIMATE weight loss/diet fix. It's guaranteed to work for almost every living human and it's FREE! I'm not going to try to market or sell anything to you. I'm here to give you an HONEST look into my world of getting healthier, smaller (in the way of fat%), better, and bigger (in the way of awesome, muscles, and writing).

I'm telling you, you're gonna want to read on and trust me here. Even if you don't trust me, just place your skepticism and judgement on a coaster to the side long enough to read through to the end of the post.

And now, the disclaimer! 

If you've read any of my writing thus far here, on Facebook, or on Twitter, then goody goody gum drops, you don't need the warning. HOWEVER! If this is your first stop by my interwebspacepartment, you need this warning: I am really, really, seriously, down to the depths of my very small soul pissed off irritated about this subject and this post is mostly a rant and lots of warning! It's also a quick line about who won the nuts I was giving away, but that's gonna be the smallest part of this entry/post/profanity laden writing you are about to delve into. (If you're just here to see who the winner is, go all the way to the bottom, it's there. Thanks for stopping by.)

And now, we get to the nitty gritty of the miracle I have for you today! When I say miracle, I mean miracle. It's not like anything else you're reading in the headlines or seeing on those "hurry up and lose weight for your wedding you have in 2 months, even though your ass has known about and been planning for it for almost/over a year" kind of shows. No. This is pure, unadulterated amazing awesomeness in real life kind of truth. 

This little photo is the part where you're to imagine angels singing as light shines upon your soul for the wonder I am about to bestow upon you.

The latest chatter, fad, dumb ass diet plan/move/lazy approach to weight loss I've heard has got to be the worst and one of the most dangerous ideas EVER in the history of FOREVEREVER. Have any of you seen or heard about this most recent idiocy? It's the "feeding tube diet" and it's STUPID AND DANGEROUS AS SHIT! Over here at this site Dr.'s Katie Rickel and David Katz explain what it is and what it claims to do. Dr. Katz even goes so far as to fill you in on how the nasogastric (feeding) tube is shoved up your nose and then down into your digestive system and also explain the MEDICAL PURPOSE behind a nasogastric feeding tube system. 

This is a diagram of the path the tube takes. Attractive as hell, huh?

Now, from Dr. Rickel's response on the site, here in Florida (Land of the Nucking FUTSOS!) this 10 day program will cost you around $1,500. Yes, it says ONE THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! 

Now, let me just tell you that a Certified Personal Trainer around here costs an average of $60/hr to train you and there are a TON in my area offering rates around $35/hr that are willing to come to your house or work, meet at a public park, or you can go to their studio. Even at $60/hr, you can get a trainer to put you through the ringer of the hardest, but reasonably safe, workout of your life for 5 hours each day for 5 days straight and it's probably gonna do more for you than this reDONKULOUS bullshit of a "diet" some have dumped their money into. Or, at the $35/hr rate, you get almost 50 full hours of personal, 1 on 1, "kick your ass till you cry and can't move, jack your metabolism through the roof like never before" kind of training. Some of those even offer to put together a diet plan for you, complete with substitutions and recipes. That's a LOT more than that feeding tube and the vomit looking "food" crap getting poured into it is gonna do for you. Plus as soon as you get back up to a regular human calorie intake (the feeding tube allowance averages 600-800 calories daily of ONLY the supplement), I hope you realize that all of that weight you lost (all 15ish pounds of it) is gonna come racing back ten fold like a fighter pilot in a Mach 7 simulation. 

You know where all that's gonna get you? Angry, depressed and ass deep in a 55 gallon drum of Ben N Jerry's Ice Cream. Then you're out $1,500, up 45 pounds and still not gonna fit into that dress you probably paid way too much for anyway. (And to top it off, people like me are gonna laugh their asses off at you because you simply didn't want to work for where you wanted to be and you're paying for it)

So you're probably thinking to yourself, "Ya know, this is a lot of bitching and no miracles have been revealed. I'm gonna scoot on over to another site and look for some diet tips. Screw you, Sinner." And in return I say to you that you're welcome to do so, but you're gonna miss the best part....

And now, for that promised miracle cure...........................................

YOU'VE GOT TO GET OFF YOUR ASS AND MOVE. YOU HAVE TO WANT SOMETHING SO BAD YOU CAN TASTE IT AND YOU'VE GOTTA BUST YOUR DAMNED ASS TO GET IT!

I have a theory about almost anything I want or need in life. It's an outlook I hope my kids see and institute in their lives. Anything you get for free (Unless it's won from an awesome blog you entered a drawing for, or a similar scenario) that is going to make an impact on your life long term is probably going to fall to SHIT. 

I speak from experience. Not everything is a "you get what you pay for" kind of thing, sometimes you get more and other times you get lucky. I know that. I also believe in karma. What you put out there comes back at/to you in one form or another. But when it comes to losing weight, getting healthy, being happy, or what have you, you have to work at it. I took a Sociology class with a very interesting professor a little while back and I vividly remember him pounding the same thought into us. Every. Effin. DAY! That thought: "Happiness is a skill." It takes work. Some people are optimists. That's a personality trait. Those poor bastards are miserable at times just like you and I, unless they work at being happy. Replace the word happy with content, financially stable, free, healthy, skinny, strong, educated. It's ALL GOING TO TAKE WORK. 

You wanna know what work is when it comes to losing weight or getting stronger and healthier? It's being sore, tired, getting hurt, and smelling HORRIFYINGLY HORRIBLE. It's having set backs and accepting them for just that, it's facing the FACT that at some point you're going to feel like it's not worth it. Work is taking 3 steps forward one day, 2 steps backward the next and then taking a wrecking ball to the wall after that and running another 10 steps ahead while flicking it all off as you pass by. Work is doing things you don't want to do because you're determined to be the person you want to be or know you are. It's saying you're going to_(fill in this blank with whatever you'd like)__ because you've never been able to before. It's proving people wrong when they tell you that there's something you can't/won't/never would do, be, or accomplish. It's looking those people in the eye when you're done and saying "What now, BITCH!" It's fucking WORK!

Now after all of that, some of you may be offended by some of my honesty and foul language. You know, that's too bad. I refuse to apologize for who I am or the way I am. You can move right along to some girly ass "we're all in this together, now let's group hug" kind of site, because that's not what this is. No one will do this for you. You have to do it for yourself because you WANT it. (See permanent proof of refusal to apologize for being me, below.)

This message & logo by MizFtOnline.com, approved 4 my wearing.
Epidermal art is by Leina at Sacred Rites Tattoo in North Port, FL

This is a place for truth, honesty, IN YOUR FACE get real or get the hell out kind of fitness REALITY. Hence, the title of the blog. 

I've busted my ass for over a year to lose 100+ lbs. That 3 digit number breaks down like this: a total loss of 83", 12 pants sizes, 5 dress sizes (hey, I can look like a girl without being one) and my 3 extra chins. I don't miss any of it. Just so you know, your delicate sensibilities had nothing to do with any of that. It was all me (and Michelle, the trainer I hired (and now love) instead of even considering a fucking feeding tube). It was all work. GO BIG OR GO HOME, balls-to-the-wall-because that's the only way I can do it, pep talks and drill sergeant yelling (sometimes in public with people staring) hard-ass-sometimes-wanted-to-die kind of work. I'm just gonna keep rolling like this and you can keep doing what you do.

THIS is work! Lots and lots of work.                     THIS too is work. Hard, sweaty, sore for 2 days, work!

So when all is said and done, there is no miracle. I know, I lied. Get over it.
It's all pretty simple. You start with moving. LOTS of moving, then work your way up to worrying about the food thing. Too many people do this backwards and think that diets will solve the problem. THEY WON'T! Get up, off your ass, move, sweat, smell horrible, and be sore. Sore is good (as long as it's not excruciating), it lets you know there is growth around the corner. Muscle growth and personal growth and an opening of the heart and mind to accept that no matter how much you change outside, you've gotta be good with the inside. 

I challenge you to look at yourself in the mirror. Not just a getting ready for school/work/appointments quick look. I'm talking a full on creepy non-blinking hard to retain eye contact STARE! Look long and hard at YOU and find something you didn't notice the last time. Don't judge what it is, just recognize that it's there and move on. Next, you're going to find something you LOVE about yourself. Yes, while continuing with the creepy staring. It doesn't have to be physical or major. You need to look yourself in the eye and OUT LOUD like the crazy you know you are and tell yourself this thing that you think is so awesome about you (physical, emotional, whatever) and tell yourself what it is and why it's uniquely yours and what it is that you can do to expand that bit of awesome you know you have. This is gonna take a while, so don't do it when you're in a hurry. The hardest part is not laughing at yourself during the staring part or during the talking to yourself part. This is because we all take too much time and energy out of our days reminding ourselves what what we want to fix or make better or change because of whatever reason. Remember that no matter who you are, you're the fucking best at it that there will ever be!

Alright, I know you're sick of my bipolar rambling, ranting, encouragement and you wanna know who won my nuts, right? Well, over in this little cyberspace it has been announced and stamped into history that STARVING BITCH gets my nuts in their mouth. (to see the comment, go here. To meet Starving Bitch, head over here to meet her and read a bit of her info, posts, and goals.)

Congratulations, lady and I hope my toffee nuts are tasty. hahahahaha

Go out and have an adventure, everyone. After this long winded crap, you deserve it as an award for making it through!

Awkward barely covers it...

So, as I explained a couple of days ago, a friend and I decided to take our first exotic fitness class. To say that I felt awkward doesn't even begin to describe it. The instructor for the class, Sarah was very sweet and welcoming and did her best to ease my anxiety, though it didn't work very well. Not for lack of trying, she was very supportive, but I'm very uncomfortable in class settings to begin with, let alone that the studio is meant for exotic dance classes which I'm even more uncomfortable around. I really wanted to ask where the bar was, because a few shots would have made this whole experience a bit less awkward for me.
Impulse Pole Dance and Exotic Fitness Studio is in Northeast St. Petersburg and the studio itself is very nice. The floor is super clean and there is a small area right inside where Brandi sells the wares (and wear) for House Of Cherry where you can purchase a myriad of super sexy and super cute clothing, bags, lingerie and possibly deadly shoes.
My friend and I sat down and filled out the release form and giggled like idiots when it came to the injury release, seeming as how she gets hurt quite often and I'm not the most graceful when it comes to doing the fake sexy thing.
The class itself was pretty cool with only 2 other ladies joining us along with the instructor. We were taking a class called "Booty Basics" or Booty Bounce. When reading the description I was kind of expecting it to be a little similar to club dancing with a few naughtier moves thrown in. I was not, however expecting to be told that I needed to jiggle the parts that I try REALLY hard not to let jiggle. This was the first fight to hide the hysterical laughter that wanted to explode from me like an 11 year old boy. (There were plenty of other times in the hour long class, lemme tell ya)
I asked Sarah via Twitter what the recommended attire was for the class and was told to wear comfy workout clothing. This was PERFECT for me, since almost everything I own and wear daily is such a style. Unfortunately (for this class, anyway) said comfy workout clothing is mostly made of at least some form of compression from my waist down. (Hey, I know I have jiggly bits and I try to minimize or avoid altogether any said jiggling, ESPECIALLY while working out.) NOTE: Compression style workout wear is not meant to allow your "booty" to "Bounce" (or play it's role of Santa in the "bowl full of jelly" scenario, as was instructed in this class) since it's purpose is to control said bouncing to allow for more running or working out comfortably.
We started off pretty slow, which for me was ok, Amy wore regular non-compression style capri workout pants, so she was a bit more able to attempt the bouncing, but we attended the class with 2 other ladies that were wearing the short booty shorts that tie on the sides. BTW, these are SUPER cute and if I could, I would buy some for sleeping or lying in the sun. ANYWAY....
Sarah's music selection was awesome. It was of course booty music, but the first few songs were old school music that Amy and I used to roller skate to in middle school. BUT then came the first eye popping instruction. Over the blaring music Sarah tells us "MAKE IT BOUNCE, GIRLS!". Oy Vey! So, I waited for a beat or 2 and stared in amazement observed the example and started to giggle again. This is NOT something I do on purpose, it happens anytime I feel nervous or stressed. (funerals, weddings, birth, you know, the least inappropriate times. Though this time was appropriate) There's a song that says "make that @$$ vibrate" and that's what Sarah did. At this point, I was about to fall over. #1, I was giggling, #2, I do everything I can to avoid vibration (we'll leave the grown up stories to another post) and #3, my left hip flexor has been so tight for the last week, I could barely step properly. Though she has us bent over a la Betty Paige, I still couldn't take it. There's no way my pants would allow me to even try it without looking like an electrocuted squirrel. (This is where Charlotte would draw a squirrel being electrocuted, but it would be cute) But I did and it didn't work out, plus it felt like someone lit my hip on fire with an acetylene torch.
Then we eventually progressed to the "on all 4's" stage. Oy! This was 2x the embarrassment, but much easier. We had to make circles with our hips (Think yoga cat and cow) while arching our backs. Then we added in pushups with it. Kinda felt like this, but not as cute:

We then proceeded to "shake it" again which was another giggle fit for me along with pain in the hip flexor. (I may need to find something to stretch that out better) Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not super prude, but when Sarah turned to give us an example of how it should look, the only think I could do was squeak and look away. I wasn't really expecting to meet someone for the first time and get acquainted with their no-no bits within an hour. lol
This behavioral reaction continued throughout the class and left me with a somewhat drunk/lethargic feeling. It was awkward and liberating and fun as hell all at once. I know that doesn't seem like a combination most would put together, but I've never claimed to be accepted as part of "most".
Over all, this class and the people at Impulse were all AMAZING. I didn't feel like it was a very hard workout, except for the pain of the flexor and the severe explosion of fiery pain in my quads, but I felt it the next day when I sat still for more than a few minutes. HOT DAMN!
Out of 5 stars, I give Sarah and her booty shaking ability an "OH MY GOD, people can do that?" and the class gets a 5, the studio gets a hardcore 5 and the offering of gear and shoes at the front door most DEFINITELY get a 5.
I know it seems like I'm cutting this review/post short and I am. I started it 4 days ago and now that I'm back to it, I have no idea what to say. lol But, if you're in the area, you should definitely go see Sarak and the rest of the crew there for a new fitness experience. It's an amazing place with wonderful welcoming staff and awesome music. (If I do say so my non-girly self)

A first for me. AWKWARD!

So, in 1 hour I will be taking my first ever stripper style class with a friend of mine at Impulse and I am expecting to laugh at myself so hard that I leave looking like I've peed myself a la this photo of Fergie from the Black Eyed Pease circa 2009.
.

Here is a synopsis of the class we're taking from the company's web site:

"Booty Basics (Level- ALL)
Learn booty basic techniques and work on toning exercises to help your booty be the best it can be! Stretching will also be used in this class to increase hip and inner thigh flexibility, which is crucial to great booty work."      Can you say it with me? OH MAH GAH! Holy crap, I don't know if I'm ready for this!

Should be interesting. I'm taking a friend who has NO rhythm and is scared to even walk into the place, as I've been informed that the props for the class are tiny bells tied to little ribbons hung from paper clips. I have to admit, this scares even me.
I just hope I don't get hurt and end up having to explain to my father why I'm in the hospital bed next to him this evening.
Well, I'm off to drop my minion underlings children off with my evil overlord mother and hit the 7-11 for a Rockstar Zero and a gallon of water so I can make it through the whole class and not die of dehydration.
Look for an update between tomorrow and Monday, I hope to have a few photo taking opportunities, but not sure.
I hope everyone has a safe and Merry Christmas and is enjoying the Solstice!
Happy and Safe Holidays!

Hydrating your largest organ: More important than you'd think.

"Your epidermis is showing." I used to hate when other kids would say that to me. Now I say it to my kids and they laugh at me. Not that being laughed at is anything new for me.

We all know that our skin is our largest organ and we know it needs to be properly cared for or it gets angry. I read all of these magazine articles and other reviews by people that are suggesting these outrageously priced beauty products and think "Jeez, your lotion is the same price as I pay for a nice dinner out with my family." Who has that kind of money in this economy without embarrassing themselves in front of the nation? I sure as hell don't. So, I figured that maybe there are a few of you out there (even though only 1 person really reads any of my nonsensical ramblings opinionated and honest postings) that may be in the same boat and wanting some information from a normal every day down to earth, broke a s joke stay at home mom and full time college student. Well, if you're in that category, or just like laughing at me like my kids do, then feel free to read on. If you aren't, you may wanna skip over to another, much more talented fit blog and read away at the enlightening studies and struggles of others much more glamorous than I.
You may like Charlotte of The Great Fitness Experiment who tries every new fitness redonkulousness to hit the news wire, has heart warming tales of her trials as a mother, raw and heart wrenching honesty of her struggles with years of skewed body image and eating disorders and her amazingly hysterical and comfortingly similar sense of humor. Oh, and she wrote a book about it all. Or maybe you're a bit ornery today and you're in an "eff that noise" kind of mood. If that's the case, might I suggest some you time reading the amazing Crabby McSlacker who also has a Life Coaching business, but doesn't allow that much positive in the way of her execution of cranky views of all of the back and forth double speak of the studies that come out about health and fitness and foods that may or may not kill you with some alien amoeba from Someplanetwedontknowyetland. Or, if you're looking for a inspiration from a Jewish Misfit that is super crazy fitness driven, but oh so amazing in her Yoda looking Nike shoes, hop on over to meet Carla who is Unapologetically Herself and raising her awesome tornado to be the same and stay fit and mindful while they do it.  And lastly, if you're in need of some inspiration from a woman who finds the HOTTEST steamy delicious half naked man pictures you will EVER find on a not adult site, go see Kelly and read her Mantastic Mondays posts. I love all of these ladies and it's not all about the women at all times. There are some good tips and reads in there for all of the men, too. And you never know, you may find a cool giveaway or an interesting bit of info you didn't know before. (And remember that Fitfluential Ambassador thing I told you about? Yeah, I think they're all on that list and Kelly is the leader of that cult fitness pack). I hope to one day finally be one of the cool kids and get into that group of people. ;)

And now for the info I mentioned on affordable crap to stop the winter dry crackling or angry redness of the skin some people may have wanted to read about.
First, again, I'm going to say that every one of these obnoxious and droning opinions are my own, all of the items have been purchased by me, none were provided for me by the companies and I'm not getting paid (or threatened) to say any of this, it's just an honest opinion of some stuff I've found that works for me. The only exception that applies is when I receive something from a survey company and I'm allowed to spread the word. I will be sure to explain those when I come to those instances.
Also, if you have allergies or sensitive skin, please make sure that the products you buy are safe for you and I do not recommend applying or using any of these products on irritated or abraded (scratched or scraped) skin. Also know that NONE of these products are intended for use other than what is printed on their labels and are for external use only, so while the body scrub is made of sugar and smells absolutely amazing, you SHOULD NOT EAT IT, cause ya know, it's not food.

First up, I would like to start with the least expensive, but know that NONE of the products I buy are more that $8. Anything more is a waste to me, unless there's a coupon or it's on clearance.
This is the Skintimate Shave Lotion in the Revitalizing line with some exfoliating pearl stuff in it. I admit to buying the wrong one, but the link takes you to my preferred type. This is a LOTION, not a gel that foams, so it's not thick, but I really like that it's super moisturizing. Walmart, Target and Publix all sell some variation of it and it's a little more expensive than the shave gel they make, but I like this better. It runs around $2.50, but there are always coupons for about $1 in the Sunday papers. I give this overall a 4 star rating. would be 5, but they don't have a strawberry scent and I'm addicted to strawberry. They have a variety of infused vitamins and such and different scents, but I like the least scent possible, since my scrub smells so good. (which I'll get to a little further down the road.)

Next we have the Dove Deodorant Ultimate Go Fresh in the Burst Scent. I love this because it's a refreshing citrus scent without being too powerful. It does the heavier b.o. blocking for days you need it, but will need to be reapplied after you workout, before you stop at the store on your way home from a hard core crossfit class. It's not the clinical strength and if you smell like me (a cross between a construction worker and a garbage man) post workout, you'll wanna pack this in your gym bag or invest in the more expensive heavy duty one. This will run you about $2.75 for the larger as pictured, but it lasts a long time and you can usually find the gift packs that have 2 of these and a body wash or lotion in them. 4 stars since I do have to reapply quite a lot from my man stink.

Nivea Bodywash is super moisturizing and comes in a variety of scents and levels of moisture, but they don't make my favorite apricot (that actually smells like a fresh sliced nectarine) scent anymore. You can find it on Amazon.com, but if you wanna just grab it while you're at the store, the Orang Blossom is a very close 2nd. I have a condition called Keratosis where my skin doesn't create enough keratin on it's own and I end up with red spots and bumps on my arms if I don't exfoliate and moisturize enough. It's not painful, just itchy and looks a bit funny at times. This bodywash starts the moisture process and earns 4.5 stars from me. (the apricot totally earned the full 5) It will run you about $3-$4 depending on where you buy it and if you have coupons. (I FREAKING LOVE COUPONS!)

Johnson's Aloe and E Baby Lotion usually runs about $4, but it's THE BEST lotion I've found for my skin. I hate the greasy and sticky lotions and need something with little to no scent. I also need it to be safe for sensitive skin as well as super nourishing for my disorder. Johnson's does it. This is a solid 5 stars and you can usually find it pretty cheap and there are quite a few coupons out there for baby stuff. You can also sign up for the mom programs through Johnson's and Publix and get coupons sent to you in the mail. LOVE!!!

This Body Scrub is FREAKING AMAZING! And at just under $5 at Walmart, you can't go wrong. It smells delicious and the scent that remains on your skin is minimal, but still there. It exfoliates wonderfully and lasts quite a while as long as you don't get too much water in the container. I use it on my face and my whole body and my skin is SO SOFT when I'm done. Definitely a full on 5 stars. And if you don't like the brazil nut smell, they have a coconut lime that's very citrus like and isn't too heavy on the coconut. This is the one that smells Nom-worthy, but do not eat it. it's not supposed to be consumed regardless of the sugar content.

Now, that's 5 products that will cost you less than $20 if you are a bargain shopper. They are totally worth it and you don't have to worry about breaking the bank on beauty stuff that the magazines are spouting their praises about.
So, do you have any products that you're totally in love with that cost less than $10? If so, please tell me about it, I'm always up for trying new stuff.