Miracle cure to losing weight. I've found what you've wanted/needed all along. (And the winner of my Nuts!)

Hello, all! I use the term "all" VERY VERY loosely here to be sure and encompass all 2 of you readers and any possible visitors.

Have I got a Jim Dandy of a treat for you! I've found the ULTIMATE weight loss/diet fix. It's guaranteed to work for almost every living human and it's FREE! I'm not going to try to market or sell anything to you. I'm here to give you an HONEST look into my world of getting healthier, smaller (in the way of fat%), better, and bigger (in the way of awesome, muscles, and writing).

I'm telling you, you're gonna want to read on and trust me here. Even if you don't trust me, just place your skepticism and judgement on a coaster to the side long enough to read through to the end of the post.

And now, the disclaimer! 

If you've read any of my writing thus far here, on Facebook, or on Twitter, then goody goody gum drops, you don't need the warning. HOWEVER! If this is your first stop by my interwebspacepartment, you need this warning: I am really, really, seriously, down to the depths of my very small soul pissed off irritated about this subject and this post is mostly a rant and lots of warning! It's also a quick line about who won the nuts I was giving away, but that's gonna be the smallest part of this entry/post/profanity laden writing you are about to delve into. (If you're just here to see who the winner is, go all the way to the bottom, it's there. Thanks for stopping by.)

And now, we get to the nitty gritty of the miracle I have for you today! When I say miracle, I mean miracle. It's not like anything else you're reading in the headlines or seeing on those "hurry up and lose weight for your wedding you have in 2 months, even though your ass has known about and been planning for it for almost/over a year" kind of shows. No. This is pure, unadulterated amazing awesomeness in real life kind of truth. 

This little photo is the part where you're to imagine angels singing as light shines upon your soul for the wonder I am about to bestow upon you.

The latest chatter, fad, dumb ass diet plan/move/lazy approach to weight loss I've heard has got to be the worst and one of the most dangerous ideas EVER in the history of FOREVEREVER. Have any of you seen or heard about this most recent idiocy? It's the "feeding tube diet" and it's STUPID AND DANGEROUS AS SHIT! Over here at this site Dr.'s Katie Rickel and David Katz explain what it is and what it claims to do. Dr. Katz even goes so far as to fill you in on how the nasogastric (feeding) tube is shoved up your nose and then down into your digestive system and also explain the MEDICAL PURPOSE behind a nasogastric feeding tube system. 

This is a diagram of the path the tube takes. Attractive as hell, huh?

Now, from Dr. Rickel's response on the site, here in Florida (Land of the Nucking FUTSOS!) this 10 day program will cost you around $1,500. Yes, it says ONE THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! 

Now, let me just tell you that a Certified Personal Trainer around here costs an average of $60/hr to train you and there are a TON in my area offering rates around $35/hr that are willing to come to your house or work, meet at a public park, or you can go to their studio. Even at $60/hr, you can get a trainer to put you through the ringer of the hardest, but reasonably safe, workout of your life for 5 hours each day for 5 days straight and it's probably gonna do more for you than this reDONKULOUS bullshit of a "diet" some have dumped their money into. Or, at the $35/hr rate, you get almost 50 full hours of personal, 1 on 1, "kick your ass till you cry and can't move, jack your metabolism through the roof like never before" kind of training. Some of those even offer to put together a diet plan for you, complete with substitutions and recipes. That's a LOT more than that feeding tube and the vomit looking "food" crap getting poured into it is gonna do for you. Plus as soon as you get back up to a regular human calorie intake (the feeding tube allowance averages 600-800 calories daily of ONLY the supplement), I hope you realize that all of that weight you lost (all 15ish pounds of it) is gonna come racing back ten fold like a fighter pilot in a Mach 7 simulation. 

You know where all that's gonna get you? Angry, depressed and ass deep in a 55 gallon drum of Ben N Jerry's Ice Cream. Then you're out $1,500, up 45 pounds and still not gonna fit into that dress you probably paid way too much for anyway. (And to top it off, people like me are gonna laugh their asses off at you because you simply didn't want to work for where you wanted to be and you're paying for it)

So you're probably thinking to yourself, "Ya know, this is a lot of bitching and no miracles have been revealed. I'm gonna scoot on over to another site and look for some diet tips. Screw you, Sinner." And in return I say to you that you're welcome to do so, but you're gonna miss the best part....

And now, for that promised miracle cure...........................................

YOU'VE GOT TO GET OFF YOUR ASS AND MOVE. YOU HAVE TO WANT SOMETHING SO BAD YOU CAN TASTE IT AND YOU'VE GOTTA BUST YOUR DAMNED ASS TO GET IT!

I have a theory about almost anything I want or need in life. It's an outlook I hope my kids see and institute in their lives. Anything you get for free (Unless it's won from an awesome blog you entered a drawing for, or a similar scenario) that is going to make an impact on your life long term is probably going to fall to SHIT. 

I speak from experience. Not everything is a "you get what you pay for" kind of thing, sometimes you get more and other times you get lucky. I know that. I also believe in karma. What you put out there comes back at/to you in one form or another. But when it comes to losing weight, getting healthy, being happy, or what have you, you have to work at it. I took a Sociology class with a very interesting professor a little while back and I vividly remember him pounding the same thought into us. Every. Effin. DAY! That thought: "Happiness is a skill." It takes work. Some people are optimists. That's a personality trait. Those poor bastards are miserable at times just like you and I, unless they work at being happy. Replace the word happy with content, financially stable, free, healthy, skinny, strong, educated. It's ALL GOING TO TAKE WORK. 

You wanna know what work is when it comes to losing weight or getting stronger and healthier? It's being sore, tired, getting hurt, and smelling HORRIFYINGLY HORRIBLE. It's having set backs and accepting them for just that, it's facing the FACT that at some point you're going to feel like it's not worth it. Work is taking 3 steps forward one day, 2 steps backward the next and then taking a wrecking ball to the wall after that and running another 10 steps ahead while flicking it all off as you pass by. Work is doing things you don't want to do because you're determined to be the person you want to be or know you are. It's saying you're going to_(fill in this blank with whatever you'd like)__ because you've never been able to before. It's proving people wrong when they tell you that there's something you can't/won't/never would do, be, or accomplish. It's looking those people in the eye when you're done and saying "What now, BITCH!" It's fucking WORK!

Now after all of that, some of you may be offended by some of my honesty and foul language. You know, that's too bad. I refuse to apologize for who I am or the way I am. You can move right along to some girly ass "we're all in this together, now let's group hug" kind of site, because that's not what this is. No one will do this for you. You have to do it for yourself because you WANT it. (See permanent proof of refusal to apologize for being me, below.)

This message & logo by MizFtOnline.com, approved 4 my wearing.
Epidermal art is by Leina at Sacred Rites Tattoo in North Port, FL

This is a place for truth, honesty, IN YOUR FACE get real or get the hell out kind of fitness REALITY. Hence, the title of the blog. 

I've busted my ass for over a year to lose 100+ lbs. That 3 digit number breaks down like this: a total loss of 83", 12 pants sizes, 5 dress sizes (hey, I can look like a girl without being one) and my 3 extra chins. I don't miss any of it. Just so you know, your delicate sensibilities had nothing to do with any of that. It was all me (and Michelle, the trainer I hired (and now love) instead of even considering a fucking feeding tube). It was all work. GO BIG OR GO HOME, balls-to-the-wall-because that's the only way I can do it, pep talks and drill sergeant yelling (sometimes in public with people staring) hard-ass-sometimes-wanted-to-die kind of work. I'm just gonna keep rolling like this and you can keep doing what you do.

THIS is work! Lots and lots of work.                     THIS too is work. Hard, sweaty, sore for 2 days, work!

So when all is said and done, there is no miracle. I know, I lied. Get over it.
It's all pretty simple. You start with moving. LOTS of moving, then work your way up to worrying about the food thing. Too many people do this backwards and think that diets will solve the problem. THEY WON'T! Get up, off your ass, move, sweat, smell horrible, and be sore. Sore is good (as long as it's not excruciating), it lets you know there is growth around the corner. Muscle growth and personal growth and an opening of the heart and mind to accept that no matter how much you change outside, you've gotta be good with the inside. 

I challenge you to look at yourself in the mirror. Not just a getting ready for school/work/appointments quick look. I'm talking a full on creepy non-blinking hard to retain eye contact STARE! Look long and hard at YOU and find something you didn't notice the last time. Don't judge what it is, just recognize that it's there and move on. Next, you're going to find something you LOVE about yourself. Yes, while continuing with the creepy staring. It doesn't have to be physical or major. You need to look yourself in the eye and OUT LOUD like the crazy you know you are and tell yourself this thing that you think is so awesome about you (physical, emotional, whatever) and tell yourself what it is and why it's uniquely yours and what it is that you can do to expand that bit of awesome you know you have. This is gonna take a while, so don't do it when you're in a hurry. The hardest part is not laughing at yourself during the staring part or during the talking to yourself part. This is because we all take too much time and energy out of our days reminding ourselves what what we want to fix or make better or change because of whatever reason. Remember that no matter who you are, you're the fucking best at it that there will ever be!

Alright, I know you're sick of my bipolar rambling, ranting, encouragement and you wanna know who won my nuts, right? Well, over in this little cyberspace it has been announced and stamped into history that STARVING BITCH gets my nuts in their mouth. (to see the comment, go here. To meet Starving Bitch, head over here to meet her and read a bit of her info, posts, and goals.)

Congratulations, lady and I hope my toffee nuts are tasty. hahahahaha

Go out and have an adventure, everyone. After this long winded crap, you deserve it as an award for making it through!

No resolutions, just photographic reminders

I refuse to make resolutions. I think of them as a way to write down all of the awesome you want to plan, but will inevitably fail at completing. Instead, I will post photos of things that remind me (and hopefully you) of where I am and where I plan to be going over then ext few months of a hopefully ENTIRELY different year. (Cause for f*** sake, I can't handle another one like this.) So, here it goes. *Note: many of these are on the web or found on KellyOlexa.com, so there's where the photo credit lies for them.*

Now, instead of making "New Year Resolutions" make yourself a promise. Promise you'll run that extra 3 blocks every week until you hit that next mile, or you'll do those extra reps every few days so you can hit that pull up goal by a certain date or that you'll substitute at least 3 nights each week before you opt for dessert and you'll choose the healthier of your options for it. No matter your promise or your goal, make it attainable, but make it modifiable as well. This way when you reach it, you can always make it a little bigger or stretch it a little further to be ever evolving and ever improving.

                                            

           

 

A first for me. AWKWARD!

So, in 1 hour I will be taking my first ever stripper style class with a friend of mine at Impulse and I am expecting to laugh at myself so hard that I leave looking like I've peed myself a la this photo of Fergie from the Black Eyed Pease circa 2009.
.

Here is a synopsis of the class we're taking from the company's web site:

"Booty Basics (Level- ALL)
Learn booty basic techniques and work on toning exercises to help your booty be the best it can be! Stretching will also be used in this class to increase hip and inner thigh flexibility, which is crucial to great booty work."      Can you say it with me? OH MAH GAH! Holy crap, I don't know if I'm ready for this!

Should be interesting. I'm taking a friend who has NO rhythm and is scared to even walk into the place, as I've been informed that the props for the class are tiny bells tied to little ribbons hung from paper clips. I have to admit, this scares even me.
I just hope I don't get hurt and end up having to explain to my father why I'm in the hospital bed next to him this evening.
Well, I'm off to drop my minion underlings children off with my evil overlord mother and hit the 7-11 for a Rockstar Zero and a gallon of water so I can make it through the whole class and not die of dehydration.
Look for an update between tomorrow and Monday, I hope to have a few photo taking opportunities, but not sure.
I hope everyone has a safe and Merry Christmas and is enjoying the Solstice!
Happy and Safe Holidays!

Accountability: Next item on the endangered list?

Being a full time college student and mother has it's ups and downs, but one thing that seems to be constant in both is accountability and lack thereof. I read a post on a non-fitness blog today that made me a little upset on someone else's behalf. Essentially it all came about on and because of face book (possibly read as "the root of all evil") and people not thinking before they speak and act in an internet forum. It all falls back on accountability. I know what you're (I'm, since I have exactly 0 readers as of yet) thinking. "Well, Sinner, that's all well and good, but this is a fit blog, right? What does that have to do with this?" Well, let me just tell you...
I have a friend who is an obsessive fitness freak and a gym owner that I love dearly. He's recently gotten into fitness hardcore, despite having a personal trainer certification since 2007. He's working toward his own goal in body building and tends to get quite angry when he hears, reads, or experiences excuses as to why people didn't, don't or can't work out. Sometimes this makes me wish he lived closer so I could strangle him and explain that his OCD isn't universal, but other times I see his point.
The above blog entry overview is no different, as it all falls back on accountability. We are all accountable for our action, inaction, words (spoken or written), and how they are perceived and received. Unfortunately we have no control over the latter, but we can soften the blow a bit by owning up to them all. We can't rationally rely on someone else to be the ones that hold us accountable for what we do or don't do. We have to do it ourselves and be honest about it.
So, I ask you... Do you hold yourself accountable or do you expect someone or something else to do it? Do you expect the scale you step on religiously to check your progress to tell you when you've slacked off or back slid? What about the tape measure? Neither of them can tell you that you've over/under indulged or that you've fallen behind on your goals or exercise, YOU have to do it! Some of us are lucky (unlucky?) enough to have friends and family that will assist in this area and nicely tell us that we're overworking ourselves or overdoing it on the desserts or that it's been a few days since they heard about us working out or since they saw us at the gym. Others of us have friends and family that aren't as concerned, whether it's because they don't realize how serious you are about your goals or because they don't want to hurt your feelings. When you have a situation like the second one, you are the one who has to give yourself the talk. Sometimes out loud like a psychiatric patient, but that's alright. As long as you say what you need to feel and don't come up with invalid excuses and it gets you back on track.
Today is the best (and every) day to reaffirm your goal and modify your routine and get back on track to wear you want to be heading.
Where do you want to be heading and where are you now? Do you need accountability assistance or someone to talk smack to get you moving? I know I have days that I do. And that's alright, let someone know that you do, you never know how big your cheering section is until you look for it.

I have NO idea what I'm doing. The first novel entry.

Well, here is my first attempt at fitness blogging. I want to be totally up front and admit that I have NO idea what in hell I'm doing. I also feel that it's necessary for me to divulge the fact that I have ulterior motives for starting this little pretend corner of the interwebs. What, you may ask, are said ulterior motives? Well, lemme just tell ya that one is that I'm a wannabe. I want to be like those awesome ladies out there that blog on a constant basis about how bad ass their fitness routines are and how much amazing progress they're making. Another is somewhat selfishly greedy. I want to be a FitFluential Ambassador. Now, if you've read that last line and ended up with a face that looks like this 0.o, take a look at this site and read through what it means to be FitFluential and what being an Ambassador is all about. And my final ulterior motive is a bit narcissistic. Let me explain....
I am 31 years old and a mother of 3 and have been married for 10 years. I am a full time college student (at honors level, I might add) with a husband that works around 60-70 hours each week and my kids are in elementary and middle school. Our family has gone through some stressful times this year, none of which I will bore and shock you with right now, but I needed a release for my frustrations and anger and stress. I've been athletic (define that term however you'd like) most of my life. I swam before I could walk, and in middle and high school I was swimming, diving, doing synchronized swimming (which is MUCH harder than most believe it to be), had a short stint learning karate, played softball intermittently, played football recreationally with friends, and I roller skated so much that when I found out that I was pregnant with my first child, I immediately signed a release for to continue through my pregnancy. (which I did at least 5 times each week up until the week before I gave birth to my son) I've always loved sports and activity, but as most do, I got comfortable and eventually lazy when it came to fitness. 



Until I was 19 and pregnant, I was always very thin and muscular, but during my first pregnancy I gained 65 lbs, despite hating junk food and not being able to eat meat without gagging. I got back into swimming and roller skating as soon as I could, but it took a while getting back into the regular activity, as having a new born tends to be the focus of your entire life. Fast forward to about 2 years later and I was losing weight alright, but found out I was pregnant again. This time, if it fit into my mouth, I was trying to eat it, though I weighed the same as the first pregnancy on the day of giving birth. I was hungry and nauseous at ALL TIMES. With 2 children, both in diapers fitness took a seat under the rear end somewhere around that bottle jack no one ever uses, never mind a back seat. 

2006, the baby was already 3

I had little conscious though of my size, though I was very self-conscious about it, if that makes any sense. Now, fast forward again to 2009. I was looking for a decent job and was not able to find one willing to pay me more than minimum wage. Having worked FULL TIME mostly all of my post-pubescent life and never having been paid minimum wage or even close, I wasn't willing to degrade myself further in an already depressed mind set. (Please know that the economy wasn't anywhere near as horrible as it is now and I am NOT knocking minimum wage jobs, because everyone has to start somewhere and sometimes start over. I respect all of those out there working hard, no matter your pay, gender, race, status, etc.) So, I decided to go to school. Now, this was a nerve wracking decision at 29 after graduating with my "Good Enough Diploma" at 16 years old. But, I did. This began a tidal wave of emotions and life altering views of who I was and wanted to be and how others saw me.
I wasn't as concerned with my appearance or what others saw on the outside, so fitness was still a bit on the back burner.

Summer, 2010

Fast forward AGAIN to December 2010, now I had to do something. At my heaviest (on the day I gave birth either time) I was about 222 lbs. I know that this is not something many see as attractive, but my belly and boobs were HUGE! I had an almost 10 lb. child the first time. My family and I were in the market to move. In a neighborhood where a woman was shot and killed 6 blocks from us, we had to get out, FAST. School, kids and their school, house hunting, packing, research, papers. It was a lot, and I needed to do something for me to get it all out of my head, so I joined the gym. I began losing weight and workout as often as I could. It wasn't a dramatic weight loss or obsessive workout routine, but I enjoyed it. So, come February, we move, then we get bad news about my father and I was mentally barely hanging on. I had to do something active to keep my mind occupied and not break down, so I did. I chose to take the summer semester off of school to help my family and be with my kids, but I also found a job. WORK! WOOT! Hard manual labor. This sounds odd, but I much rather have a physically demanding job that kept me moving than any other job. I was assisting in a house remodel. I got to do demolition. I knocked up tile, moved heavy stuff, knocked out walls and windows, I was sweating POOLS every day all day and smelled like a rotting corpse by the time I left and I LOVED IT! Plus, I was getting paid. 

Then we found out that the house we moved into was in foreclosure and we had to move again. This time it was fast and furious, no real hunting and organizing time. I found a house and signed the papers and knew cleaning and painting would be involved, I just didn't realize that I would be doing almost as much work on it as I was on the remodeling job site I was working on. But, it was necessary, so I did it. I quit the job I had and focused on the home we were moving to. 
Prior to the job, I signed up for a Dr's weight loss program. I was at a size 22 in pants and had had ENOUGH with growing out of everything. I told the Dr that I didn't want to know my weight because I tend to obsess over the #, but that didn't work out. On May 5th, 2011, I had a bomb dropped on my head and my mind almost exploded. I was told that I weighed over 200 lbs. I was heart broken and disgusted. I had never thought I could be that heavy without being pregnant. HOLY CRAPATOLLA! How did I get here without anyone telling me I looked like a garbage truck? Too late, time to get a move on. So between the working at the job site and working on the house we were moving into, by the middle of June, I was down to a size 14. Now I had started losing before the Dr appt, but had no idea how much I had lost, since I concentrate more on my clothes fitting and how I feel, but now that I knew I had to keep track. (that's the # obsession I was talking about). So I started measuring myself. I was NOT happy with any of this.

Summer 2011

Fast forward again to about 2 months ago. I knew I had lost weight and people were commenting on how much I had lost and how nice i was looking. I had also started walking and running and was down to about a 13 minute mile. I have never been a runner. I have bad knees and am not a cardio lover, in fact I think most of those that are may be a bit crazy, but whatever. My kids and I were doing our 5th breast cancer 5K in the end of October and I wanted to run it, so I trained and ran. Now, there is a difference between people telling you that you've lost a ton of weight and actually seeing and feeling it for yourself. I had lost almost 10 full pants sizes, so I knew I had and I was working out, so I felt it too. But it really hits you hard when you walk past a mirror and you don't recognize yourself which forces you to stop and recognize every little detail. I had lost the double chin, could see my cheek bones and that hollow in the center of my collar bone... Am I supposed to have that? Did I have that before I had kids? Was it always that deep? HOLY CRAP, is that an Adam's Apple? What in holy bejeebus? I was a totally different person. Well, when looking at myself, anyway. Still that same sassy attitude, people think I'm abrasive and obnoxious personality, but man! 

November 3, 2011

And here I am now, turning into one of those people that are constantly on the search for something new and challenging to try out and make me sore and LOOK! I even have some muscle definition! I can do push ups (the girly kind, cause my shoulders pop too much on the manly ones) and maybe even a pull up or 2. I can run 4 miles at a steady 10 min/mi pace. I can do squats without wanting to die and lift weights and shop in the normal section. BUT.....
I have NO illusions here. (hence the name of the blog) I do not expect to ever be skinny, as I haven't been since hitting puberty. I don't even WANT to be skinny, I want to be healthy and bad ass and hard core. I want muscle and strength and speed and stamina. I want to compete with the men and boys, not stand off to the side and be girly. I want people to be a little scared of me rather than want to hit on me, though that's a good feeling once in a while if it's not creepy. I want to lift heavier weights and try the newer hardcore workouts. I don't want to be a body builder, but want to be strong and feel good that I can fight as well as the next guy. I'm competitive, with others and myself, so I can do all of these things, as long as I stay on my own butt about it. 
Now, here I am at that in between a size 9 and 10 pants and wearing a medium shirt (most times, unless I get said shirt in the Jr's section at Target). Weighing in at an unknown weight, because I'm not obsessing over it, though I'll probably check it next week some time, with MUCH smaller measurements and a MUCH better outlook, though no less competitive. 
I have developed a motto/mantra/slogan, whatever. 
"If I'm anything I'm DETERMINED. To prove myself to myself. I refuse to accept a finish line. My life is a series of ever evolving goals."
This is what I hope to remember every day and institute as an attitude of life. School, family, business, fitness. It's all there, in those few sentences. They apply to it all.