I have NO idea what I'm doing. The first novel entry.

Well, here is my first attempt at fitness blogging. I want to be totally up front and admit that I have NO idea what in hell I'm doing. I also feel that it's necessary for me to divulge the fact that I have ulterior motives for starting this little pretend corner of the interwebs. What, you may ask, are said ulterior motives? Well, lemme just tell ya that one is that I'm a wannabe. I want to be like those awesome ladies out there that blog on a constant basis about how bad ass their fitness routines are and how much amazing progress they're making. Another is somewhat selfishly greedy. I want to be a FitFluential Ambassador. Now, if you've read that last line and ended up with a face that looks like this 0.o, take a look at this site and read through what it means to be FitFluential and what being an Ambassador is all about. And my final ulterior motive is a bit narcissistic. Let me explain....
I am 31 years old and a mother of 3 and have been married for 10 years. I am a full time college student (at honors level, I might add) with a husband that works around 60-70 hours each week and my kids are in elementary and middle school. Our family has gone through some stressful times this year, none of which I will bore and shock you with right now, but I needed a release for my frustrations and anger and stress. I've been athletic (define that term however you'd like) most of my life. I swam before I could walk, and in middle and high school I was swimming, diving, doing synchronized swimming (which is MUCH harder than most believe it to be), had a short stint learning karate, played softball intermittently, played football recreationally with friends, and I roller skated so much that when I found out that I was pregnant with my first child, I immediately signed a release for to continue through my pregnancy. (which I did at least 5 times each week up until the week before I gave birth to my son) I've always loved sports and activity, but as most do, I got comfortable and eventually lazy when it came to fitness. 



Until I was 19 and pregnant, I was always very thin and muscular, but during my first pregnancy I gained 65 lbs, despite hating junk food and not being able to eat meat without gagging. I got back into swimming and roller skating as soon as I could, but it took a while getting back into the regular activity, as having a new born tends to be the focus of your entire life. Fast forward to about 2 years later and I was losing weight alright, but found out I was pregnant again. This time, if it fit into my mouth, I was trying to eat it, though I weighed the same as the first pregnancy on the day of giving birth. I was hungry and nauseous at ALL TIMES. With 2 children, both in diapers fitness took a seat under the rear end somewhere around that bottle jack no one ever uses, never mind a back seat. 

2006, the baby was already 3

I had little conscious though of my size, though I was very self-conscious about it, if that makes any sense. Now, fast forward again to 2009. I was looking for a decent job and was not able to find one willing to pay me more than minimum wage. Having worked FULL TIME mostly all of my post-pubescent life and never having been paid minimum wage or even close, I wasn't willing to degrade myself further in an already depressed mind set. (Please know that the economy wasn't anywhere near as horrible as it is now and I am NOT knocking minimum wage jobs, because everyone has to start somewhere and sometimes start over. I respect all of those out there working hard, no matter your pay, gender, race, status, etc.) So, I decided to go to school. Now, this was a nerve wracking decision at 29 after graduating with my "Good Enough Diploma" at 16 years old. But, I did. This began a tidal wave of emotions and life altering views of who I was and wanted to be and how others saw me.
I wasn't as concerned with my appearance or what others saw on the outside, so fitness was still a bit on the back burner.

Summer, 2010

Fast forward AGAIN to December 2010, now I had to do something. At my heaviest (on the day I gave birth either time) I was about 222 lbs. I know that this is not something many see as attractive, but my belly and boobs were HUGE! I had an almost 10 lb. child the first time. My family and I were in the market to move. In a neighborhood where a woman was shot and killed 6 blocks from us, we had to get out, FAST. School, kids and their school, house hunting, packing, research, papers. It was a lot, and I needed to do something for me to get it all out of my head, so I joined the gym. I began losing weight and workout as often as I could. It wasn't a dramatic weight loss or obsessive workout routine, but I enjoyed it. So, come February, we move, then we get bad news about my father and I was mentally barely hanging on. I had to do something active to keep my mind occupied and not break down, so I did. I chose to take the summer semester off of school to help my family and be with my kids, but I also found a job. WORK! WOOT! Hard manual labor. This sounds odd, but I much rather have a physically demanding job that kept me moving than any other job. I was assisting in a house remodel. I got to do demolition. I knocked up tile, moved heavy stuff, knocked out walls and windows, I was sweating POOLS every day all day and smelled like a rotting corpse by the time I left and I LOVED IT! Plus, I was getting paid. 

Then we found out that the house we moved into was in foreclosure and we had to move again. This time it was fast and furious, no real hunting and organizing time. I found a house and signed the papers and knew cleaning and painting would be involved, I just didn't realize that I would be doing almost as much work on it as I was on the remodeling job site I was working on. But, it was necessary, so I did it. I quit the job I had and focused on the home we were moving to. 
Prior to the job, I signed up for a Dr's weight loss program. I was at a size 22 in pants and had had ENOUGH with growing out of everything. I told the Dr that I didn't want to know my weight because I tend to obsess over the #, but that didn't work out. On May 5th, 2011, I had a bomb dropped on my head and my mind almost exploded. I was told that I weighed over 200 lbs. I was heart broken and disgusted. I had never thought I could be that heavy without being pregnant. HOLY CRAPATOLLA! How did I get here without anyone telling me I looked like a garbage truck? Too late, time to get a move on. So between the working at the job site and working on the house we were moving into, by the middle of June, I was down to a size 14. Now I had started losing before the Dr appt, but had no idea how much I had lost, since I concentrate more on my clothes fitting and how I feel, but now that I knew I had to keep track. (that's the # obsession I was talking about). So I started measuring myself. I was NOT happy with any of this.

Summer 2011

Fast forward again to about 2 months ago. I knew I had lost weight and people were commenting on how much I had lost and how nice i was looking. I had also started walking and running and was down to about a 13 minute mile. I have never been a runner. I have bad knees and am not a cardio lover, in fact I think most of those that are may be a bit crazy, but whatever. My kids and I were doing our 5th breast cancer 5K in the end of October and I wanted to run it, so I trained and ran. Now, there is a difference between people telling you that you've lost a ton of weight and actually seeing and feeling it for yourself. I had lost almost 10 full pants sizes, so I knew I had and I was working out, so I felt it too. But it really hits you hard when you walk past a mirror and you don't recognize yourself which forces you to stop and recognize every little detail. I had lost the double chin, could see my cheek bones and that hollow in the center of my collar bone... Am I supposed to have that? Did I have that before I had kids? Was it always that deep? HOLY CRAP, is that an Adam's Apple? What in holy bejeebus? I was a totally different person. Well, when looking at myself, anyway. Still that same sassy attitude, people think I'm abrasive and obnoxious personality, but man! 

November 3, 2011

And here I am now, turning into one of those people that are constantly on the search for something new and challenging to try out and make me sore and LOOK! I even have some muscle definition! I can do push ups (the girly kind, cause my shoulders pop too much on the manly ones) and maybe even a pull up or 2. I can run 4 miles at a steady 10 min/mi pace. I can do squats without wanting to die and lift weights and shop in the normal section. BUT.....
I have NO illusions here. (hence the name of the blog) I do not expect to ever be skinny, as I haven't been since hitting puberty. I don't even WANT to be skinny, I want to be healthy and bad ass and hard core. I want muscle and strength and speed and stamina. I want to compete with the men and boys, not stand off to the side and be girly. I want people to be a little scared of me rather than want to hit on me, though that's a good feeling once in a while if it's not creepy. I want to lift heavier weights and try the newer hardcore workouts. I don't want to be a body builder, but want to be strong and feel good that I can fight as well as the next guy. I'm competitive, with others and myself, so I can do all of these things, as long as I stay on my own butt about it. 
Now, here I am at that in between a size 9 and 10 pants and wearing a medium shirt (most times, unless I get said shirt in the Jr's section at Target). Weighing in at an unknown weight, because I'm not obsessing over it, though I'll probably check it next week some time, with MUCH smaller measurements and a MUCH better outlook, though no less competitive. 
I have developed a motto/mantra/slogan, whatever. 
"If I'm anything I'm DETERMINED. To prove myself to myself. I refuse to accept a finish line. My life is a series of ever evolving goals."
This is what I hope to remember every day and institute as an attitude of life. School, family, business, fitness. It's all there, in those few sentences. They apply to it all.