Miracle cure to losing weight. I've found what you've wanted/needed all along. (And the winner of my Nuts!)

Hello, all! I use the term "all" VERY VERY loosely here to be sure and encompass all 2 of you readers and any possible visitors.

Have I got a Jim Dandy of a treat for you! I've found the ULTIMATE weight loss/diet fix. It's guaranteed to work for almost every living human and it's FREE! I'm not going to try to market or sell anything to you. I'm here to give you an HONEST look into my world of getting healthier, smaller (in the way of fat%), better, and bigger (in the way of awesome, muscles, and writing).

I'm telling you, you're gonna want to read on and trust me here. Even if you don't trust me, just place your skepticism and judgement on a coaster to the side long enough to read through to the end of the post.

And now, the disclaimer! 

If you've read any of my writing thus far here, on Facebook, or on Twitter, then goody goody gum drops, you don't need the warning. HOWEVER! If this is your first stop by my interwebspacepartment, you need this warning: I am really, really, seriously, down to the depths of my very small soul pissed off irritated about this subject and this post is mostly a rant and lots of warning! It's also a quick line about who won the nuts I was giving away, but that's gonna be the smallest part of this entry/post/profanity laden writing you are about to delve into. (If you're just here to see who the winner is, go all the way to the bottom, it's there. Thanks for stopping by.)

And now, we get to the nitty gritty of the miracle I have for you today! When I say miracle, I mean miracle. It's not like anything else you're reading in the headlines or seeing on those "hurry up and lose weight for your wedding you have in 2 months, even though your ass has known about and been planning for it for almost/over a year" kind of shows. No. This is pure, unadulterated amazing awesomeness in real life kind of truth. 

This little photo is the part where you're to imagine angels singing as light shines upon your soul for the wonder I am about to bestow upon you.

The latest chatter, fad, dumb ass diet plan/move/lazy approach to weight loss I've heard has got to be the worst and one of the most dangerous ideas EVER in the history of FOREVEREVER. Have any of you seen or heard about this most recent idiocy? It's the "feeding tube diet" and it's STUPID AND DANGEROUS AS SHIT! Over here at this site Dr.'s Katie Rickel and David Katz explain what it is and what it claims to do. Dr. Katz even goes so far as to fill you in on how the nasogastric (feeding) tube is shoved up your nose and then down into your digestive system and also explain the MEDICAL PURPOSE behind a nasogastric feeding tube system. 

This is a diagram of the path the tube takes. Attractive as hell, huh?

Now, from Dr. Rickel's response on the site, here in Florida (Land of the Nucking FUTSOS!) this 10 day program will cost you around $1,500. Yes, it says ONE THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! 

Now, let me just tell you that a Certified Personal Trainer around here costs an average of $60/hr to train you and there are a TON in my area offering rates around $35/hr that are willing to come to your house or work, meet at a public park, or you can go to their studio. Even at $60/hr, you can get a trainer to put you through the ringer of the hardest, but reasonably safe, workout of your life for 5 hours each day for 5 days straight and it's probably gonna do more for you than this reDONKULOUS bullshit of a "diet" some have dumped their money into. Or, at the $35/hr rate, you get almost 50 full hours of personal, 1 on 1, "kick your ass till you cry and can't move, jack your metabolism through the roof like never before" kind of training. Some of those even offer to put together a diet plan for you, complete with substitutions and recipes. That's a LOT more than that feeding tube and the vomit looking "food" crap getting poured into it is gonna do for you. Plus as soon as you get back up to a regular human calorie intake (the feeding tube allowance averages 600-800 calories daily of ONLY the supplement), I hope you realize that all of that weight you lost (all 15ish pounds of it) is gonna come racing back ten fold like a fighter pilot in a Mach 7 simulation. 

You know where all that's gonna get you? Angry, depressed and ass deep in a 55 gallon drum of Ben N Jerry's Ice Cream. Then you're out $1,500, up 45 pounds and still not gonna fit into that dress you probably paid way too much for anyway. (And to top it off, people like me are gonna laugh their asses off at you because you simply didn't want to work for where you wanted to be and you're paying for it)

So you're probably thinking to yourself, "Ya know, this is a lot of bitching and no miracles have been revealed. I'm gonna scoot on over to another site and look for some diet tips. Screw you, Sinner." And in return I say to you that you're welcome to do so, but you're gonna miss the best part....

And now, for that promised miracle cure...........................................

YOU'VE GOT TO GET OFF YOUR ASS AND MOVE. YOU HAVE TO WANT SOMETHING SO BAD YOU CAN TASTE IT AND YOU'VE GOTTA BUST YOUR DAMNED ASS TO GET IT!

I have a theory about almost anything I want or need in life. It's an outlook I hope my kids see and institute in their lives. Anything you get for free (Unless it's won from an awesome blog you entered a drawing for, or a similar scenario) that is going to make an impact on your life long term is probably going to fall to SHIT. 

I speak from experience. Not everything is a "you get what you pay for" kind of thing, sometimes you get more and other times you get lucky. I know that. I also believe in karma. What you put out there comes back at/to you in one form or another. But when it comes to losing weight, getting healthy, being happy, or what have you, you have to work at it. I took a Sociology class with a very interesting professor a little while back and I vividly remember him pounding the same thought into us. Every. Effin. DAY! That thought: "Happiness is a skill." It takes work. Some people are optimists. That's a personality trait. Those poor bastards are miserable at times just like you and I, unless they work at being happy. Replace the word happy with content, financially stable, free, healthy, skinny, strong, educated. It's ALL GOING TO TAKE WORK. 

You wanna know what work is when it comes to losing weight or getting stronger and healthier? It's being sore, tired, getting hurt, and smelling HORRIFYINGLY HORRIBLE. It's having set backs and accepting them for just that, it's facing the FACT that at some point you're going to feel like it's not worth it. Work is taking 3 steps forward one day, 2 steps backward the next and then taking a wrecking ball to the wall after that and running another 10 steps ahead while flicking it all off as you pass by. Work is doing things you don't want to do because you're determined to be the person you want to be or know you are. It's saying you're going to_(fill in this blank with whatever you'd like)__ because you've never been able to before. It's proving people wrong when they tell you that there's something you can't/won't/never would do, be, or accomplish. It's looking those people in the eye when you're done and saying "What now, BITCH!" It's fucking WORK!

Now after all of that, some of you may be offended by some of my honesty and foul language. You know, that's too bad. I refuse to apologize for who I am or the way I am. You can move right along to some girly ass "we're all in this together, now let's group hug" kind of site, because that's not what this is. No one will do this for you. You have to do it for yourself because you WANT it. (See permanent proof of refusal to apologize for being me, below.)

This message & logo by MizFtOnline.com, approved 4 my wearing.
Epidermal art is by Leina at Sacred Rites Tattoo in North Port, FL

This is a place for truth, honesty, IN YOUR FACE get real or get the hell out kind of fitness REALITY. Hence, the title of the blog. 

I've busted my ass for over a year to lose 100+ lbs. That 3 digit number breaks down like this: a total loss of 83", 12 pants sizes, 5 dress sizes (hey, I can look like a girl without being one) and my 3 extra chins. I don't miss any of it. Just so you know, your delicate sensibilities had nothing to do with any of that. It was all me (and Michelle, the trainer I hired (and now love) instead of even considering a fucking feeding tube). It was all work. GO BIG OR GO HOME, balls-to-the-wall-because that's the only way I can do it, pep talks and drill sergeant yelling (sometimes in public with people staring) hard-ass-sometimes-wanted-to-die kind of work. I'm just gonna keep rolling like this and you can keep doing what you do.

THIS is work! Lots and lots of work.                     THIS too is work. Hard, sweaty, sore for 2 days, work!

So when all is said and done, there is no miracle. I know, I lied. Get over it.
It's all pretty simple. You start with moving. LOTS of moving, then work your way up to worrying about the food thing. Too many people do this backwards and think that diets will solve the problem. THEY WON'T! Get up, off your ass, move, sweat, smell horrible, and be sore. Sore is good (as long as it's not excruciating), it lets you know there is growth around the corner. Muscle growth and personal growth and an opening of the heart and mind to accept that no matter how much you change outside, you've gotta be good with the inside. 

I challenge you to look at yourself in the mirror. Not just a getting ready for school/work/appointments quick look. I'm talking a full on creepy non-blinking hard to retain eye contact STARE! Look long and hard at YOU and find something you didn't notice the last time. Don't judge what it is, just recognize that it's there and move on. Next, you're going to find something you LOVE about yourself. Yes, while continuing with the creepy staring. It doesn't have to be physical or major. You need to look yourself in the eye and OUT LOUD like the crazy you know you are and tell yourself this thing that you think is so awesome about you (physical, emotional, whatever) and tell yourself what it is and why it's uniquely yours and what it is that you can do to expand that bit of awesome you know you have. This is gonna take a while, so don't do it when you're in a hurry. The hardest part is not laughing at yourself during the staring part or during the talking to yourself part. This is because we all take too much time and energy out of our days reminding ourselves what what we want to fix or make better or change because of whatever reason. Remember that no matter who you are, you're the fucking best at it that there will ever be!

Alright, I know you're sick of my bipolar rambling, ranting, encouragement and you wanna know who won my nuts, right? Well, over in this little cyberspace it has been announced and stamped into history that STARVING BITCH gets my nuts in their mouth. (to see the comment, go here. To meet Starving Bitch, head over here to meet her and read a bit of her info, posts, and goals.)

Congratulations, lady and I hope my toffee nuts are tasty. hahahahaha

Go out and have an adventure, everyone. After this long winded crap, you deserve it as an award for making it through!

You are definitely gonna LOVE MY NUTS!!!! (Plagiarism, COMPLETE!)

Hello again, reader(s)! I’ve come to tell the tale of some delicious nuts and grace you with the chance to win your very own can of them for the low and amazingly awesome price of FREE!

Let me assure you, I have plenty of wit and sarcasm to share, but for the purpose of this post, I will tone it down a LITTLE bit only for the Virgina's Best people, I will also, (as stated in the previous post) be plagiarizing myself to double post on the Cranky Fitness. Let’s just move along, shall we?

Now, I’ve reeled you in with my 4th grade "You're Going to Love My Nuts" joke. What’s it all about? Well, I hope everyone here has heard of the former Slap Chop guy turned Sham Wow guy turned alleged criminal via some very bad choices. (Thanks to Crabby for finding this link: if not, you can check out his SlapChop infomercial, or to blast a few extra calories, dance along to theremix version)). He uses the slap chop to beat the tar out of some peanuts and use them for the infomercial. I’m not touting the amazingness that is the slap chop or the creepiness that is that dude. I am, however going to grace you with the glory that is MV’s Best Virginia Cocktail Fine Virginia Peanuts.

I had the pleasure of sampling the Cajun flavor, as I’m not big on sweet stuff. (Yeah, I know I’m a freak.) These aren’t your typical peanuts. They’re quite large and don’t have that peanutty oomph to them that we’re all used to. While they do still have the peanut taste, it’s not as strong as you would expect. And you may see that the label shows what some may think are really spicy ingredients, but I assure you that they are not “make your eyes water” spicy. The spice is quite mild and enjoyable.

These nuts are pretty big.

I have fairly large, borderline man hands.

Had I been able to stop shoving them in my face long enough, I would have chopped some up (with my knock off version of a Slap Chop) to put on a salad, but alas, I was hungry and they were MMMMmmmmmmmm Gooooooood.

There are a variety of flavors to choose from. They currently offer Sea Salt, Toffee, Jalapeno, Milk Chocolate, the above mentioned Cajun and Unsalted flavors on the Virginia Cocktail Peanuts website.

I am looking forward to trying the toffee flavor next, despite my give or take attitude toward sweet foods. And at $5 per tin, they’re reasonably affordable for that next get together on your calendar. (Or your gluttonous venture into the world of sweet and savory nuts.)

Now, if you’re allergic to nuts, avoid. DUH! But, if you like a variety of flavor, texture, and trying new stuff, I HIGHLY recommend these cocktail peanuts.

(This is me, post 4 mile run, about to stuff my face and make inappropriate yummy noises while I beat my children back with sticks and tell them to go eat fruit roll ups. After all, this is for research purposes): 

Now, on to the BEST PART!!! For a limited time, you’re able to comment here, or on the Cranky Fitness post to enter to win your very own tin of delicious nuts. Below, in the comment section in either or both places, just leave a note, sentence, a 4th grade joke with or without innuendo, a line of prose, or whatever letting me know what flavor you’d be interested in trying from MV’s Best and we’ll draw a winner via the ever popular and GREAT AND POWERFUL RANDOM NUMBER GENERATOR. (say this out loud with the “"Wizard of Oz" Wizard voice” or it’s not as entertaining).

Once the winner has been drawn, we’ll announce it here and/or on Crabby's site on Tuesday May 1 as well as possibly send an email to you (if your address is ascertainable), and you’ll have until Friday May 4th at around noon (give or take 3 hours depending on which coast you live on) to respond to one or both of us with your US mailing address.

Disclaimer: Should the Great and Powerful RNG decide to be a pain, one of us will just pull out a commenter from the list and notify them.

Have great day, Cranky readers and go have an adventure!

Loving me some nuts! I'm a guest blogger, now! Go look!

Greetings from a land far far away I like to refer to as "Slackerville." It's been a while, yes. I have a laundry list of reasons and excuses, most of which involve some rendition of school, exams, kids, working out (Best one on the list, honestly) and just a lack of writing motivation. While I've got a phone application on my Android FULL of posting ideas, today I grace you with self-plagiarism.

I recently had the chance to guest post for one of my favorite blogs and under threat of internet death for reasons any Cranky Fitness reader would know, you should go look.

Now THOSE, up ^there, are some tasty nuts!

I regail (is that how you spell it? My spell check is being a buttwad) you with 4th grade prepubescent boy humor and giveaway some free shit. It's borderline healthy free shit, but it's friggin tasty as all hell. They're peanuts, but not the typical buy in the grocery store at $.99 for 3 bags kind of peanuts. They're huge and juicy-ish and mine were SPICY NUTS! I'm telling you, they're awesome. And if you live in the U.S. or have a US mailing address, you can win some for yourself. I'm going to put up a copy of what I wrote for Crabby McSlacker and her blog, minus the edits for it to be on her specific blog, so no worries if you're a link-leery net paranoid beginner. If you're not one of those leery people, you can just click THIS: You're gonna LOVE my nuts!

So, stay tuned, and while you're at it, get off your ass and MOVE! Have an adventure, play hop scotch, knock on a neighbors door and make them the victim of an unsuspecting game of freeze tag circa 1986. I don't care what you do, but DO SOMETHING!

Have a great day, all! And as always, Go have a damned adventure for crying out loud!